snowmageddon

It snowed a shit load today...well actually for almost two days, Wednesday into Thursday. I was outside smoking a few hours ago, their was no traffic, no noise whatsoever, just the silent falling of snow. I started thinking about how lonely I actually am, and how utterly unhappy. Usually I try to put on a happy face and stay positive that I'll ever really feel satisfied with a single day in my life. I thought about how the snow just fell perfectly onto every surface. I honestly just wanted to lie down in that perfect patch of snow and close my eyes, it does sound a little weird thought doesn't it? To "become one with the snow" Jeez I think I'm going loony. I'm not sure what it is I'm lacking on the inside, I don't feel as though I can ever really connect with anyone. And I'm not sure how to describe this "connect" feeling, maybe it's just I don't really feel like anyone really gives two shits about me. I'm not really sure. And I hate more than anything, that the one person I ever felt completely connected to in my life, turned out utterly wrong for me in every way. You put all your effort into being there for someone completely and giving your all...to only wind up as nothing in their eyes. As much as I hate to admit it, I still care and it still hurts. If I could turn off my feelings I would forget about them in a heartbeat. We don't even communicate, and I still feel them invade my subconscious pretty much every damn day. The only thing that helps  is that there is someone else that I have "feelings" for and thinking about them sometimes helps me rid myself of the inner sadness left over from all of this. It probably wont ever go anywhere, but for some reason, this feeling just..well it just feels right to me. It brings stupid smiles to my face, and randomly as the ability to make a shitty day feel relatively better. It still isn't something I can explain, it's just there. I'll never understand how simple things can make me extremely happy...whereas something that made me feel so happy, has caused me so much anguish and pain. 

NEW BLOG how enticing

Thought I'd write out a few thoughts before I tried to sleep..figured maybe it might help the sleeping process go smoother. Anyway. 


It's been three years and you're still a leech to me, I wouldn't attest to your death, in fact I'd be a lot happier if you never existed. I wish your mom would've just swallowed you. 


Is it bad to say I believe you to be a complete fraud? Talking "shit" about you is the last thing I want to do but, I can't stand the way you've been treating me this past year. I'm about to give up on you completely, if you actually feel the need to contact me of course I'll answer but I'm not going to waste my time trying to continue a friendship that seems based on convenience. I don't trust your judgement anymore, something I used to trust completely. I keep thinking it's because we don't share the same..may I say "interests" in certain things but...really what should that really have to do with anything? I hope you realize what you're doing to me, it hurts a lot.


You're an evil bastard, but I love you, obviously you're my family, it comes unsaid. However if you continue to abuse your body in this way, you're going to end up like your father, I'm too young to lose you yet, financially we'd be fucked either way but that's not what I'm concerned about anyway, we haven't been wealthy in a long time, and that isn't your fault, I understand that. Taking out your anger about your disintegrating health and horrible income on me isn't going to do shit. I dislike my living situation just as much as you do, but I don't put others down because I'm feeling sorry for myself. Get your shit together and think twice before you eat another fucking lard infested food item. Thank you.


Why is it that when you go away I feel as though we don't exist?