IIIIttt'sss March

Let's cut to the chase shall we? 


My father's unemployment checks ran out the beginning of this month, which also means we aren't health insured anymore. There is talk about having to get rid of our cell phones in order to be able to pay the bills...and then perhaps getting rid of our internet...It feels like my dad's been laid off forever....my mom doesn't work..This doesn't seem like it's all going to end very well. 


In other news, it was Bill's birthday yesterday..I miss him a lot. He's one of the best friends I feel that I have right now..and he's a million miles away. When he came back for Christmas break, he practically lived at my house. We watched Glee and ate so much fucking food until like 6 in the damn morning. Had a random adventure in the creek at 7 in the morning. He pretty much puts up with my shit and actually tries to take interest in what I'm talking about..even if it's really fucking stupid lol. He's probably one of the smartest kids I know, probably should be fucking president. I wish it was May already so he could grace me with his presence again. I'd probably force him to watch Dr.Who with me in the internet.


Here's a random fact now that the above was just stated. I hate watching anything on T.V. by myself. I definitely will not watch a movie just by myself. I feel as though I need someone there with me lol. I can't really explain why I'm like that, it's just a weird thing I have. I guess it might be because I like to talk about what it is I'm watching, I like to discuss what it is that is going on in case I don't understand wtf it is I am seeing. YEP I AM ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING MOTHER FUCKERS THAT ASKS A QUESTION EVERY FIVE SECONDS DURING A MOVIE. Deal with it. 


Goddamn am I hungry...at least I get breakfasta in about...7 or so hours...PROBZ WON'T SLEEP TONIGHT EITHER...considering I woke up around 4 PM...and I have to wake up around 7:30 AM for breakfast...Fuck sleep, it is my enemy.

Friday?

I always go here with intentions to write this long thing about how I am feeling, and once I start to type...I'm not quite sure exactly what to say or even where to start. I washed every single piece of clothing I own, and it's not like I need to do wash very often because 1. I don't have many clothes to begin with so I usually wear the same pair of pants twice. And 2. I very rarely feel the need to get dressed unless I am going anywhere, which in itself is even rarer. I guess something I need is different friends, or I guess just people who have at least some time for me in their lives. Most of the friends I used to hang out with are with the same people now pretty much 24/7. These new people, I mean maybe I wore out my welcome? I just don't understand how people can just distance themselves from someone they used to be so close with and not even seem to notice. I mean it sucks cause I don't even have a "best friend" or any of that mumbo jumbo. I have people that I see maybe 3 times a month and most of what we do isn't even fun. What happened to just chilling out? Watching a movie at night, playing video games, or just talking about random shit while sitting on the goddamn floor while listening to music? Back in the day that was ALL we did, and when the weather was nice, we sat outside and just chilled, to me it was the best fucking thing ever. We didn't even really do much, but we had a blast pretty much every day. Those were just the two people that lived next to me, but now they moved and shit got all fucked up I guess. Idk it's hard to not miss it a lot, it was a couple of the best years of my life. Most of my other friends are off at college, and having a blast with new friends that they've made. I've met a few of them and they seem like really awesome people. Uarts just seems like the coolest campus with some of the most chill kids I've ever met honestly. If I could draw or even had an once of artistic ability in me I would definitely have loved to dorm there. I don't think I've made a new friend in a long time that has actually sticked around since like Middle School...whenever I meet knew people I just feel as though they can instantly feel that something is wrong with me. Or I'm not interesting enough to bother to even get to know at all. I've always been the one who asks people to hang out it's never really been the other way around with anybody that I ever knew. I hate that so much, because I feel as though I get annoying and they never ask to hang because they honestly do not want to be bothered. I've been thinking about cutting a lot again lately, I'll start thinking about idk how lonely or worthless and how my life will never amount to anything or anyone. And I'll just start crying, it usually happens around night time when my parents are asleep. I start thinking about all the times I used to just make lines on my arms or legs, just to feel like I was actually good at something. I know it sounds really fucking gross and I'm probably really crazy but I'm just being honest. After doing it I'd get a sort of satisfied feeling within..like I had just completed a work of art or something. But then of course I'd realize what I've actually done and think about how stupid I was and how I'd have to suffer in the heat with a hoodie on non stop so nobody would see them. I remember doing it just because I was bored, and felt I had nothing better to do. It really became an addiction, and of course since I've now been smoking a lot more in the past year and a half because I get my own packs. It has now replaced that other addiction, and even though I have been getting strong urges to slice the ever living shit out of myself I still haven't done so in months. Although cigarettes cost money, money of with I am running short of these days....it's almost like a bad drug habit, I'll steal the money from my parents just to be able to buy my cigarettes because I know if I go too long without them, I'll have nothing else to replace the razor. Long story short..my mother figured me out and has been hiding her purse...I'm really scared and not sure what the fuck I'm going to do...Even though a small part of me sometimes wishes I wasn't alive...there's still a strong part of me that still hopes that things will get better and I just have to keep fighting...but I just feel so alone...and I'm scared that if I go back to that razor, I wont be able to stop, and It could just end up killing me. It's time's like these I wish I had a goddamn dog, or maybe even a sibling...then I might not feel so alone all the time.

WHY

Why can't you just leave me alone? Isn't the memory of you enough to get through every day? Why do you suddenly give a shit that we haven't talked in months. Why now do you care if I've "forgotten" about you. I was more content with the feeling of being hated and left alone. Asking me if I have a new man and all that shit. Making me come to terms with the fact I don't have another "man" in my life. I know you probably smirked in satisfaction knowing you're the last fucking person I've had any romantic contact with. I hope you didn't run out of girls to fuck and are coming back to turn my life into a living hell again. I wont let that happen, I swear if you try any of that shit again I will tell everyone what you did to me, I have a few male friends that would just love to beat your skull in if they knew. I know it's a terrible thing to wish harm on others but..I honestly hope you die miserable. I'm just so upset and mad right now I don't even know what the fuck I'm even saying. It probably doesn't even make sense...I just really miss having someone to fucking cuddle with that's all...I don't even give a shit about sexual things, I just want a decent cuddle and to maybe fall asleep in somebodies arms. I don't really like to talk about romantic shit cause I think I sound extremely corny when I say it but...I'd love to be able to fall in love with the right person this time...someone who will take care of me, and be there for me, who would actually try and take an interest in what I'm interested in. Someone who wouldn't criticize a band or anything that I like and actually give it a decent chance...idk I'm probably asking for too much. Ugh Fuck This. And Fuck Valentines day too..all it does it makes single woman feel even more lonely, and unworthy, then they already might feel. I just wish things would work out for me just once..I wish I could break this depression that's been eating away at me for almost 8 years. I wish I could go to bed and not have to wish that I wouldn't have to wake up and face the stinkin day. I just wish I knew what to do to get some motivation. Being called a "useless lowlife who's going to die of cancer by the time she's 30" certainly isn't helping things at all. You know, I've always wondered how I'd turn out if I had different parents, I'm not saying that I am what I am all because of their upbringing but..maybe some things would've turned out different? Who knows, I'll never know. I wonder if their is a parallel version of me somewhere, that's happy and has like a million friends, and has almost everything that I'd want in my life. Knowing me, I'm probably still miserable there. Oh whatever, I'm an idiot case closed. 

Just Something..

We held hands on the last night on earth
Our mouths filled with dust.
We kissed under the trees
And in the fields
Screaming like dogs,
Bleeding dark into leaves.

It was empty on the edge of town
But we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river.
So we walk through the waste
where the road curved into the sea.
And the shattered seasons lay
and the bitter smell of Burning was on you like a disease
In our cancer of passion you said
"Death is a midnight runner."

the sky came crashing down
like the news of an intimate suicide
we picked up the shards
and formed them into shapes of stars
that wore like an antique wedding dress
The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn
as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.


the few insects skittered away
in hopes of a better pastime
i kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall
but you made me realize
that my ticket wasn't good for two...
i rode alone


You said the cinders are falling like snow.
there is poetry in despair
And we sang with unrivaled beauty.
bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in
the flesh of the city.

The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon
and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,
and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched
into the earth like a message.

snowmageddon

It snowed a shit load today...well actually for almost two days, Wednesday into Thursday. I was outside smoking a few hours ago, their was no traffic, no noise whatsoever, just the silent falling of snow. I started thinking about how lonely I actually am, and how utterly unhappy. Usually I try to put on a happy face and stay positive that I'll ever really feel satisfied with a single day in my life. I thought about how the snow just fell perfectly onto every surface. I honestly just wanted to lie down in that perfect patch of snow and close my eyes, it does sound a little weird thought doesn't it? To "become one with the snow" Jeez I think I'm going loony. I'm not sure what it is I'm lacking on the inside, I don't feel as though I can ever really connect with anyone. And I'm not sure how to describe this "connect" feeling, maybe it's just I don't really feel like anyone really gives two shits about me. I'm not really sure. And I hate more than anything, that the one person I ever felt completely connected to in my life, turned out utterly wrong for me in every way. You put all your effort into being there for someone completely and giving your all...to only wind up as nothing in their eyes. As much as I hate to admit it, I still care and it still hurts. If I could turn off my feelings I would forget about them in a heartbeat. We don't even communicate, and I still feel them invade my subconscious pretty much every damn day. The only thing that helps  is that there is someone else that I have "feelings" for and thinking about them sometimes helps me rid myself of the inner sadness left over from all of this. It probably wont ever go anywhere, but for some reason, this feeling just..well it just feels right to me. It brings stupid smiles to my face, and randomly as the ability to make a shitty day feel relatively better. It still isn't something I can explain, it's just there. I'll never understand how simple things can make me extremely happy...whereas something that made me feel so happy, has caused me so much anguish and pain. 

NEW BLOG how enticing

Thought I'd write out a few thoughts before I tried to sleep..figured maybe it might help the sleeping process go smoother. Anyway. 


It's been three years and you're still a leech to me, I wouldn't attest to your death, in fact I'd be a lot happier if you never existed. I wish your mom would've just swallowed you. 


Is it bad to say I believe you to be a complete fraud? Talking "shit" about you is the last thing I want to do but, I can't stand the way you've been treating me this past year. I'm about to give up on you completely, if you actually feel the need to contact me of course I'll answer but I'm not going to waste my time trying to continue a friendship that seems based on convenience. I don't trust your judgement anymore, something I used to trust completely. I keep thinking it's because we don't share the same..may I say "interests" in certain things but...really what should that really have to do with anything? I hope you realize what you're doing to me, it hurts a lot.


You're an evil bastard, but I love you, obviously you're my family, it comes unsaid. However if you continue to abuse your body in this way, you're going to end up like your father, I'm too young to lose you yet, financially we'd be fucked either way but that's not what I'm concerned about anyway, we haven't been wealthy in a long time, and that isn't your fault, I understand that. Taking out your anger about your disintegrating health and horrible income on me isn't going to do shit. I dislike my living situation just as much as you do, but I don't put others down because I'm feeling sorry for myself. Get your shit together and think twice before you eat another fucking lard infested food item. Thank you.


Why is it that when you go away I feel as though we don't exist?