BTWBBQ

I just can't stop staring!

<3

Karma?

I should be sleeping, but I'm not gonna try just yet, god forbid I wake up too early tomarrow with nothing to do and go BAT SHIT. Ha Ha. ANYWAY. I wish getting over someone was as easy as you make it look, like damn I wish I could do that. Oh but wait, I would then be considered a 'whore' wouldn't I? Whereas your rising total looks oh so good to the rest of the male population i'm sure. Ugh everytime I think about it I feel the need for a goddamn scrubbin in the shower. Pantine ProV *SPLAT* I have no idea how any girl could stand to be a part of a list with so many others, it's just discusting to me at least. Why did I even start talking about this? Maybev cause you're stuck to my mind like a goddamn leech to a human being. Only I feel as though you're sucking the litteral life out of me day by day. Unfortunately I don't have many friends around who I can talk to or hangout with, so I get lonely, and bored and you seem to be the only one who I can usually get a hold of. Trust me I know I should just cut you off completely..but then who else would talk to me? Who else would distract me from this never ending lonliness I've seemed to aquire? Nobody, and the sad thing is, talking to you doesn't even fill that void, it's just a distraction and makes me feel like I have at least one person who think I'm worth their time to talk to. I'm completely at his mercy, he takes what he wants from me without any questions. I feel like I've been raped in every way, shape, and form. He took away what I thought love was, he took away my happiness, he took away every single shred of innocence i've ever had. If I had known things were going to end up like they did, I would have ran so far away from it. I fell in too deep before I even realized what was happening, all along I thought I had a pretty good head about it all on my shoulders. I felt like I could handle anything he could throw at me and just brush it off without a care because he wasn't worth my time. That still holds true and always will, but the sad thing is, you can't control the way you feel deep inside, and it really does hurt. It eats away at you bit by bit, taking away evey bit of confidence you've ever had in yourself. I know I've lost all of mine a while ago. I don't feel attractive one tiny bit, I don't feel as though I'm worth any other males attention, nor do I feel that I will ever be 'good enough' for one. It's funny how the same person that used to make you feel like the most special person in the world, now makes you feel like the most loathesome creature not worth a single persons time. Anyway, I just wanted to get that out of my mind for awhile just typing it out and what not.



not only did you 'steal my sunshine' but you've left me with nothing but dark clouds

First is the worst

Okay first blog, nobody will know about it, just me and my random thoughts/feelings. Made for my venting purposes mostly. Its pretty damn early in the morning and i'm not quite sure how to get my sleeping pattern back on track. I'm jobless and not starting college intill the spring so, what else is their to do during the day really? Although, I should really get started on my wash..kinda running out of things to wear. Not that I've been getting out much lately to really need to wear clothes haha! Most of my friends have now gone away to their respective colleges for a fun adventure, some farther than others. Danielles in Cali, Bills in New Orleans, and Jess and Mk are now in philly. It's a pretty bad time that i've been having lately, with my dad just recently out of triple bypass surgery, the anniversary of my grandfathers death coming up, and just plain ole feeling lonely. It definatly stinks to remember the way certain things were just this time last year, I had a lot of people around, I was pretty much occupied I had someone in my life very special to me at the time to help me keep my head up. Which brings me to the point of how people can change right under your nose. Or maybe they've been that way all along and it's just now been looked at without rose tinted glasses. Either way my eyes are opened to you, even though i've known about you and all your shit for a very long time I don't think i've actually accepted it in my own mind. We all want someone to love us or accept us for who we are and what we think or feel, and that is ultimately my downfall with you. I long for things from you that you can't or wont give me, and i've fooled myself into thinking that you ever could or would. I do know this though, you will never ever ever find true happiness, I can almost guarantee it. I've known you, been very very close to you, for a long time, I've witnessed your true insanity first hand and I know the way you think. Every person that has ever been close to you, you've either ended up hating. You can never be happy with anyone or anything for long than a month. So full of bitterness and hatered towards almost anything that doesn't fit your standards. I know I have a lot of problems and I'm not exactly "mentally stable" a lot of times, but I know someone who needs help when I see one. In fact, I've heard you say it about yourself a few times. I feel like this is enough venting right now, but I'm far from finished. Hell I haven't even really started. Although I do hope that if karma really is a bitch, I hope it knocks you right on your ass.