First is the worst

Okay first blog, nobody will know about it, just me and my random thoughts/feelings. Made for my venting purposes mostly. Its pretty damn early in the morning and i'm not quite sure how to get my sleeping pattern back on track. I'm jobless and not starting college intill the spring so, what else is their to do during the day really? Although, I should really get started on my wash..kinda running out of things to wear. Not that I've been getting out much lately to really need to wear clothes haha! Most of my friends have now gone away to their respective colleges for a fun adventure, some farther than others. Danielles in Cali, Bills in New Orleans, and Jess and Mk are now in philly. It's a pretty bad time that i've been having lately, with my dad just recently out of triple bypass surgery, the anniversary of my grandfathers death coming up, and just plain ole feeling lonely. It definatly stinks to remember the way certain things were just this time last year, I had a lot of people around, I was pretty much occupied I had someone in my life very special to me at the time to help me keep my head up. Which brings me to the point of how people can change right under your nose. Or maybe they've been that way all along and it's just now been looked at without rose tinted glasses. Either way my eyes are opened to you, even though i've known about you and all your shit for a very long time I don't think i've actually accepted it in my own mind. We all want someone to love us or accept us for who we are and what we think or feel, and that is ultimately my downfall with you. I long for things from you that you can't or wont give me, and i've fooled myself into thinking that you ever could or would. I do know this though, you will never ever ever find true happiness, I can almost guarantee it. I've known you, been very very close to you, for a long time, I've witnessed your true insanity first hand and I know the way you think. Every person that has ever been close to you, you've either ended up hating. You can never be happy with anyone or anything for long than a month. So full of bitterness and hatered towards almost anything that doesn't fit your standards. I know I have a lot of problems and I'm not exactly "mentally stable" a lot of times, but I know someone who needs help when I see one. In fact, I've heard you say it about yourself a few times. I feel like this is enough venting right now, but I'm far from finished. Hell I haven't even really started. Although I do hope that if karma really is a bitch, I hope it knocks you right on your ass.