Heavy Rain

Well it's been pretty nasty out..and cold. I can actually feel it in my bones sometimes..it's like no matter how much I wrap myself in clothing or blankets, it passes right through me. Well anyway, my Mom told me I can't go to beauty school...because we don't have the money. Just when I actually get excited for something..and it falls apart again. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself...my mom said when I get a job THEN I can pay for myself to go..but I thought I was being told a few months ago to get a job because I needed to pay for gas and insurance if I want to learn how to drive. Don't forget about whenever I want to go somewhere with my friends...I'm supposed to get a job to pay for all this...but I don't see how. Things keep getting murkier and murkier. I don't even know what else to write about, even though I really do feel like writing. I mean there are some things I know I want to write about, but I don't quite know how I want to go about writing it..if that makes sense..Lets just say...I wish you would give me the time of day anymore..it really hurts my feelings when I can tell you don't give a shit about me..or that when we do talk, I can tell you wish that I would just shut up and go away by your answers. It just isn't fair

How you like me now?

I hope one day, you hit rock bottom, and ya know what else? If that day comes...I hope you come to me, looking for a friend. AND I'M GONNA KICK YOU IN THE FACE AND LAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHH

Lesbians

So I'm coming out as a proud lesbian now...

No just kidding, I didn't know what else to title this so I just yea..anyway. You ever feel like everything you ever knew or everyone you ever knew was a lie? I know it sound well stereotypical teenage angst thinking ot whatever. But...lately..I feel like I don't know who my friends are, they don't seem like the people I used to know, and then I think to myself, do they think the same way about me? I always wonder if people think I'm boring or something. I consider people that you talk to on a daily basis and hangout with more than once a month my friend. But those numbers feel like they are dwindling. I don't wanna be the person who people hangout with cause everyone else is busy, or the person someone texts because no one else will text them back. I really only have one friend that actually asks me if I want to hangout...I'm usually the one asking others if they want to do something...and I feel like a bother...so I kinda just stopped trying to talk to most people. Also, I'm getting annoyed with people who are basically pure mother fucking evil, getting everything they want. I mean okay I know I'm most certantly not a saint or whatever, but I know I've always done my best to help people out and make people happy. I'd drop everything I was basically doing if a friend needed me or something. But there are these shitty people who use everyone for their own selfish needs, or treat everyone like total shit, and they get EVERYTHING. PEOPLE LOVE THEM, their parents spoil them rotten with cool gagets and nice cars, they party, drink, smoke weed, crack, WTF EVER THEY WANT TO DO, with no reprocussions, and EVERYONE think's they are the coolest most bad ass bitch or douchebag EVER. SURE THEY GO THROUGH FRIENDS LIKE I DO  PACKS OF CIGARETTES, but SO FUCKING WHAT! THEY JUST HAVE MORE PEOPLE LINING UP TO TAKE THEIR PLACES! But you know what? FUCK THEM. IDC if I end up friendless, I will NEVER EVER, turn into one of those drunk ass bitches who try and find their next "hook up" or "new best friend" for the week. I've lost track of whatever else I wanted to say so I'm going to probably just end it right here. I haven't ranted in a awhile so...I WAS LONG OVERDUE I GUESS

I'VE FOUND A NEW BOYFRIEND, EAT YOUR HEART OUT MIKE MCGRATH!

Today

So today I went to the grocery store with my dad, in the pouring rain. It was obnoxious...and cold. Then I actually did some of my wash. It was extremely overdue, I was running out of clothes to wear..I've been diggin in the back of my closest for the clothes that I haven't worn in almost 2 years cause they're like way too big and baggy for me anymore haha. Although they are still nice pants and I wish there was an effective way of shrinking them so they would be snugger on me. I mean more snug..I don't think snugger is a word...haha snuggie...anyway. Uhmm I haven't heard from my one friend in awhile..I miss her :(. Listening to Bring Me The Horizon, they're coming around in November 18th I believe? I hope I can see them. I'm still really sad that A Day To Remember is sold out...I wanted to get them but I couldn't get a hold of my friend who I wanted to go with -_-. blessthefall is coming around with Chiodos as well...idk if I can see them either sadly...BUT I AM DEFF SEEING SENSES FAIL NOVEMBER 27TH FO REAL..IDC IF I HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TO GET A TICKET I WILL DO SO....lol I don't think I could bring myself to suck a strangers dick..that's just too gross for me haha. BUT SERIOUSLY BRO I NEEDA SEEM DEM BITCHEZZZ. OR I WILL CRY. THE END.

ok

I'm still feeling horrible. It's 3:34AM and I just can't sleep because all I keep doing is thinking about things. It's getting worse everyday and I don't know why. I thought time is supposed to heal all wounds, but nothings helping. My parents basically tell me everyday how useless I am and how much they want to kick me out because I'm just taking up space in their house. I honestly don't know how much more I can take of all this. I don't want to be a burden to anybody and I feel like that's all I am. I have black circles under my eyes because I cry almost every night even though I hate doing so it just ends up happening after thinking about everything. I can't even write it all out because I don't know where to start.    

emtee

I feel ignored by everyone or I'm just not worth the time I really don't know at all anymore. If I just stopped trying if I just gave up would it be easier? I just am not feeling well I don't think I'm equipped to handle everything life wants to leave me with. I really don't feel like I have anything anymore anything to really hold onto. It scares me to be honest. I just hate feeling so alone and worthless I feel bad for having these bad thoughts. I know many people out there have worse lives then me, but I haven't lived anyone elses life, only my own and when it's all you've known it feels horrible to you. Sometimes I wish I was just in a coma, and if I ever wanted to wakeup finally I could. Well I know comas don't work that way but the chance of me going into a coma are slim to none. I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm all out of anything really. I guess it's really bad if you get to the point where you just don't want to live anymore. I don't really have anything to look forward to anymore. There isn't anything I really want to do in life, I'm just getting tired of running up that hill, I'm exhausted, and I just want to stop and lay down for a long time. I hate getting out of bed in the morning cause I know thats when my day starts, and my days don't mean much to me anymore. I don't even feel like a person anymore, maybe a parasite or a weird blob. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of the people that are close to me because they have the ability to let me down and hurt me. They don't think what they do hurts me but it does a lot. I like helping people and making them happy but I don't think I affect anyone this way. I don't really feel as though many people need me anymore. The idea that I actually want to die and that I know how easy it would be to do so...it's just..horribly scary. I guess I think about it too much. I know I shouldn't be thinking of it at all ever. But then I would just be a liar if I said I didn't think about it a lot.

Today I..

Went on a long walk this morning. Saw no one who looked like this. Cursed god.

Bitch Imma pick the world up.

AND IMMA DROP IT ON YO FUCKIN HEADDDD.

Haha love that song. Idc if it's Lil Wayne and he's the most overrated rapper ever. Well besides Drake that is...I still think he should have kept his day job with Degrassi, but I digress. Eminem will always be mah favorite <3 and not just cause he's white and performed with Marilyn Manson...Weird. Today went smoothly, as expected. Mom's going to Delaware again...so I don't know how I'm going to be able to get to Philly on Friday...whatevezz I'll figure some shit out...I'll hafta beg my dad to drive me or something..even though he's not supposed to be driving. I SWEAR TO GAWD MY WEEKEND AINT GONNA SUCK CAUSE MY MOM IS GONE FER REALZ. I really need to peeeeeeeee! Uhm so I watched the season premire of the Simpsons or whatever..it was funny but Glee? Really? No just no, it was so retarded lol. Well now that True Blood is over I gotta look forward to watching House and The Simpsons on Monday and Sunday. Did I mention I'm really diggin Marilyn Manson? Well yea I totes am right now, all I knew before this was a few of his more popular songs but holy shit his other untalked about stuff is good too. I've watched interview and whatnot, he's also pretty intelligent and I like that. Behind all that crazy makeup and clothes he's actually a pretty decent human being with pretty good ideas and values. He seems like an interesting character to have good meaningful conversations with. I NEED MORE PEOPLE LIKE THAT. Did I mention my spacebar is fuckin stickin? Yea so sometimes I have to go hit backspace and fix it so there is a damn space. So I have a goal of trying to be positive and stop thinking bad thoughts about myself because that will get me nowhere if I keep thinking that bad things will happen to me. Although it is easier said then done. Maybe I'll go back to therapy just to talk some shit out with someone or at least give me something to do. Although they start pushing medicine down your throat and that gets irritating to all hell. It's kind of why I stopped going in the first place, that and the fact that we came to the conclusion that basically all the problems in my life are shit I have no control over and that they are just going to be there whether I like it or not. I just hate being lonely a lot, I get lonely too easily, I like having company and being occupied or whatever. If I'm not occupied that's when I start dwelling on the past and all those sad things and sometimes it makes it hard to wanna get out of bed. Nighttime is the worst, cause I'm just alone lying in my bed and the wheels in my head just start turning and before I know it I'm crying like a retarded seal..and my mom comes in during the day and is all like "WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY TISSUES ALL OVER THE FLOOR?! CLEAN THIS SHIT UP RIGHT NOW CRYSTAL ANNE!" Whatever. But seriously, it's why I like when people are able to spend the night or if I'm able to spend the night at a friends house I'll always take up the offer. I like the idea of having someone to talk to until I fall asleep, I think everyone would like having that. It's another reason I think spouses share beds. Other then the obvious reason of fornication. Having someone to lie next to and talk to about your day in a peaceful setting before you drift off to sleep. Sounds wonderful to me, and if I ever get married that's what I'm gonna look for in a spouse, someone who can make decent conversation with me and will at least pretend to sound interested in whatever I have to say. Shit I went off on a long ass rant..my bad. Aww well it helps me in the long run I guess..it's what these things are here for. I still need to pee though.



HEHEHEHE<3



Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag...

Godmod grotesk burlesk drag!

Well hello blog! Long time no see! Well my spacebar is kinda...stuckish..so it's hard to really press down so there is space between each word..it makes typing unessecarilly difficult now. So I still need a job, or else I'm really gonna lose my marbles. Hopefully it's not raining tomarrow, I needa walk to seven eleven again. I should probably quit smoking before I develop unrepareable wrinkles...ew. Anyway, it's the weekdays again, which usually means I go batshit from boredom, but I know if I was in college right now I'd be bitching. I like being home alone for the most part, but that's just because being around my parents is driving me loco. If I was surrounded by friends everyday that would be just dandy with me. I totes wish I could get a job in Philly and secretly live with Jess and Mk in their dorm...I'd do it too lol and I'd use the money I make from my job to help pay for food and shit. I'm starting to think only really good things happen to really shitty people lol. Kinda like what I was bitching about earlier. Uhm I'm hoping to get to the bookstore this week cause I'm almost finished the book i'm currently reading, and reading keeps me from going postal on my family so I'm gonna need a new one to read soon. I have a bad feeling my mom is going to Delaware again soon...I know she is going there for Halloween..which brings me to WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO FOR HALLOWEEN?!!? I wish I had somebody to have a scary movie marathon with like I did last year, that was a pretty sweet Halloween evening I must say. WHATEVERRRR I'LL WATCH SCARY MOVIES WITH GHOSTS AND SHYTT. Haha, why am I so lame? CAUSE I AM A LONELY FUTURE CAT LADY?? YESSS!!! Seee??? I deff need a job! I'm already losing my marbles! Well that's all I feel like typing today, this space bar is such a cumdumpster...CAT LADY OUTTT <33

Ya kno what?

I think I'm gonna just start acting like a total bitch towards people. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I'm always nice about 98% of the time to every single person I meet regardless of who they are or what I supposivly heard about them. Now I never try to "start shit" or "cause trouble" with anyone or blow something out of proportion, and I am sick of being made to feel like I am. You see I'm sick of being a total sweetheart and doormat to people and then being shit on in return. I'm not saying everyone I know does it, but some people I have known during my lifetime have and continue to do so. It seems like I try and try to be a good person and I try to be nice and understanding only I do not get good treatment in return. It's bullshit. Obviously being a nice, caring and honest person gets you nowhere in life and being a total bitch/ass/doucher gets you everywhere. It's a sad thought but I'm learning that "well hey that's life sweetheart." Well yea I hope people like you burn in hell because all you are is a festering ball of crap on this earth. You. Make. Me. Sick.

Birthday?

So it's my 18th birthday todaaaay. I'm feeling kinda weird..almost like a mid life crisis shit lol. Like I'm actually called an adult now..but I don't think I act like one haha. I really wish I could see Kelly on my birthday...even if we don't talk anymore...even if she hates me or something now..eh...Voldemort called me...awkward..I actually pretty shocked that he did..I thought maybe at the least just a random happy birthday text but a call? Shit I didn't want to hear his lesbian sounding voice...it just stirred unwanted memories and stupid thoughts...I hate wishing he was around for my birthday..he isn't worth my time and he doesn't even deserve to really be in my presence..ugh stupid jewshbag...ANYWAY. I think I'm going out to  breakfast early in the morning with my dad, nana, and uncle, and then Ciaras birthday party, then HOOKAAH BARRRRRR WIFF TEH BEST FRANZZZZ <3. I hope it's the best day evarrrr lol. I can't think of anything else to say really..I hate this stupid acne I seem to have developed randomly..it makes my face gross lookin and I wash my face like once everyday so like WTFBBQ?! 

CAN I HAS HIM AS GIFT PLEAZZE



awkward

....WHERE'S THE DELETE BUTTON FOR PEOPLE?!?

Word.

I won't care even if you want me to
That's not my nature, that's not the way I do it
Problem solved, I'll just go on avoiding you
Out of sight out of mind seems to work with me
It was always so impersonal almost to the point of disgust
Problem solved I'll just go on avoiding you and I predict that you'll learn to adjust

We don't have to admit that we've made a mistake

I want to see you walking away from me
Even I admit that you might tempt me with one last fuck
A risk I'm not willing to take out of pride

You must feel like you've lost out
I bend over backwards literally to meet your stupid needs
And I can promise that I've learned so much from this situation about what not to do

Forget my name lose my number
You're not even fit to scrub my toilet bowl
Don't ask around, or put me down
I'll make sure it comes back to you threefold
Just be cool, keep your fucking mouth shut
And act like nothing ever happened
Throw out my stuff and all my letters I wouldn't want to plague you with my memory

I hate coming up with things to name these

I'm in a weird mood right now. I'm not sure what to do really..I feel like this week is gonna go by really slow. I hate being bored, and I hate it even more when I'm bored and in a bad mood. I wish I had a car to just drive somewhere and blast my music and just breathe in the fresh air of the outdoors. I wonder if for my birthday my mom will take me shopping and maybe get some new clothes or something..although we don't really have the money..but maybe like a few things. There isn't really anything I can think of that I want object wise. I want a damn good hug though lol and a good day haha. Btw I can't help but to laugh at the patheticness of some people out there...they really don't realize that they are building up false hopes and being retarded. It's not that I've ever doubted you about it but seriously...if it's "the only reason you're staying alive" that's sad...really sad. Thats why so many people ridicule you because you keep making an ass out of yourself because you don't know when to shut the fuck up. Anwayyy True Blood finale was pretty crazy..kinda let down about there being no real sookie&eric sexytime but WHATEVERR there is always season 4 right? At least she hates Bill now..THAT ASSHOLE ACTUALLY TRIED TO OFF ERIC WTF. I'm kinda pissed that I gotta wait till next summer for the new season though..kinda beatsauce. Uhmm what else to say...nothing else really ta ta fer now

yaaayy

Friday was pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself! Jess and Mks dorm is pretty chill, all they need is a nice little television so we can play video games and watch some movies and it'll be the ideal place fo chilaxin. I almost didn't wanna leave today haha. I hope I am able to spend some nights down their this month! Being there with my friends made me happier than I have been in awhile. I kinda wish I was an art student so I could be dorming with them at the college but I can draw for shit haha. Well unfortunately I'm not sure about this weekend per se. My moms gonna be in Delaware for the weekend...my dad can't drive yet since he's still recooperating from the surgery...No rides anywhere...my dads been grumpy as hell recently..us alone together usually does not mix well..I really hope Target will at least try me out for the damn job..I would really like one..to make some money and get out of the house or something. I'm hoping I can find a ride to this shindig on Sunday...other than that I don't really have anything else that I'm doin until next Saturday which is my birthday...I'm still on the fence about it..two people I really wish to be around for it wont...and unfortunately I'll keep thinking about how much it bothers me..but idk what her problem is and the other is just..an asshole..MOVING ON. Uhm hoping to maybe get my hair dyed soon? Sadly I can't afford to keep colouring it so I'm gonna have to dye it all one color..like dark brown or black. I really do miss my purple tho =/. Hopefulllyyy when I get a job and make money..ah fuck some places don't like obnoxious colors in their employees hair...FUCKEN HELL!! *SHAKE FIST* I wish I had a car lol if I did I'd never be home..Idk where I'd be but..IT BE SOMEWHERE! I hate the pay for gas though..simply ridic...I wonder what we are gonna do when it all runs out? Oxygen run cars??? IDK!? Is it even posible? I should research this..

that was dumb

I honestly don't care that you are going to see a movie that I wanted to see..it's the annoying petty shit like this that makes me dislike you...GO HOME

damn

I'm a bit worried about a few things...todays September 9th...yesterday would have been a whole month...and nothing so far...not good...not good..Uhm..shit..still no sign of ever talking to my friend again. I guess she hates my guts. I want more friends, I know I've said this earlier but I feel like I've lost all mine :/ I'm still feeling the same pain every day...I kinda feel like a no good useles blob..I haven't been feeling like myself off and on for the past month..and I'm just not sure what it means or whats going on. I want to talk to you and see you so badly..but it's so bad for me..it's like I'm hurting if we talk and I'm hurting if we aren't..I just wish things could've stayed the way they were..I was so happy with you this time last year for the most part...I just  don't know where it went wrong..ugh why am I thinking about this again? I know I shouldn't. It just makes me weak and fraigile...Sometimes I wanna move to a different state and start over again...where nobody knows me and I can just idk..I'm really down right now..not to mention scared...although I've probably mentioned that already...I just feel like nothings ever going to pick up..and I'm always gonna be searching for a happniess I'll never ever aquire again...I know I sound like a lunatic...and I feel bad sounding like one...but I've beeing fighting this feeling off and on for years and years...I've been through phycologists, and therapists and medicinces galore...and nothing to show for it..idk...I need a life coach like in those MADE shows on MTV...fuck

Well at least I'm on a hot sauce bottle..

How Dare You

How dare you blame me of ignoring you. Is it so hard to get through your stupid ass head that I am in pain? That I am hurting a lot on the inside? This isn't just a game of "OH I'M PISSED CAUSE YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE SO IMMA BE A LITTLE KID AND NOT START A CONVERSATION WITH YOU!" Did you really expect me to be happy about it? Did you think I would be able to just keep talking to you normally like I was totally fine with the way things are going? I'm so mad I could reach through the phone and knock you out. I regret ever even talking to you and that's just fucking sad. You're so oblivious and hung up on your own self to realize other people and their own damn feelings. You are a soul sucking monster seriously. Why don't you take your own words "I'm gonna drive my car off a cliff" AND ACTUALLY DO IT FOR ONCE HUH?! Fuck You and I hope you get cheated on and get AIDS. You are a sorry excuse for a human being

SAVING THIS FOR LATER CAUSE IT'S HILAROUS

ROFL

=O

Wooo busy weekend, I feel lucky haha it's the most activity I feel like i've gotten in a long time. So Friday at the hookah bar was fantastic! I enjoyed prowling the streets at 1AM and then eating some pancakes at 2 at the pub. Saturday was the Rev Gen concert pretty damn good! DWP was fucking crazzyy, circle pits out the ass and whatnot. Skillet had pretty badass pyrotechnics. I've been downloading a shitload of new music that I feel was way over due..Muse, Fireflight, Skillet, Avenged Sevenfold, and Framing Hanley. Today I pretty much chilled until we went out to dinnah at the Golden Dawn with the family woo hoo. I always eat too much when I go out it's ridiculous, I hate wasting food that gets paid for at restaraunts. The only thing that sucks though, is that I'll be eating..and sometimes I start thinking about someone and I instantly get sick and don't feel much like finishing my food...I hate that so damn much it's irritating. Uhmm nothing much really to do this week, True Blood wasn't on tonight cause of the damn labor day weekend so I gotta wait another whole damn week till I find out wtf is gonna happen with Eric :*(. I'm listening to the new A7X album..and sadly so far I am not impressed...WHERE IS THE SCREAMING?!? Idk it's all melodic piano bullshit..and moody..like ugh. LOL uhm I really need to hand in the rest of these applications at the mall so maybe just MAYBE I can get a job..HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA. I'm crossing mah fingers hoping that my birthday will be the best I've evaaa had so farrr and without a dipshit maximus around. WHATEVAAA! HITTIN DA HOOKAH BAR AGAIN??! YES PLEASEEEEEE! I can't wait till we can go during the day and go in all the crazy ass shops. I'm glad I have some shit to look forward to, it helps me forget about upsetting shit. Not that I don't unfortunately think about it every damn day but if I have positive things to keep me occupied I should be alright.

So..

Since I don't really have a said person to talk about my day with I've decided that I will tell my blog about what I did today lol. So basically my robot friend spent the night at my house and played some SOUL CALIBURRRRR and then watched musicvideos followed by True Blood lol. I woke up and well hopped mah lazy butt in the shower cause I felt like my hair was getting a little greasy..anywho, rents were gone all day at the heart doctor for my dad so I had a house to myself. Came home then we went out to dinnahz wiff mah Nana and Uncle Edward. I hate that Blue Diner though..food sucks ballz, the fries are exactly like Neshaminy High Schools fries...blech. We went back to my nanas for a bit, I got to see the obease dalmatian known as Candy. Still as whiny as ever I see...uhmmm after that I basically just chilled around the house nothing special. I'm still in a lot of pain but it's nothing I haven't already felt before, even if it hurts just as much. You'd think I'd be used to it by now..but nope. Tomarrow goin to some thingy I'm not even sure what it is but I'm goin with some of my good friends <3 I'm gonna do my best and LETS PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE! Sorry bad joker pun...

It's Your Fucking Nightmare

Okay so a lot has been going through my brain the past couple of days. Most not so good things, although I am always trying to remain hopeful and postive (haha). Anyway, since all these things have been driving me crazy and rotting my brain the urge to do stupid shit has crossed my mind a few times unfortunately. So far I've been able to ignore the urge which is pretty damn good for myself I must say. I miss a lot of people as usual uhmm not sure what else to say really about that..I'm just not quite sure what to say to her to get us back to where we were in the old days. I wonder if she still thinks about me even if she hates me now or whatever idk. I miss her a lot obviously, I'm still not used to the fact that I don't see her everyday like I used to. I texted asking if we could talk when she was available and not busy but...I never got one back..like I said, I'm really not sure what else to say, I'd like to appoligize to her face but I'm still not exactly sure about what she is mad about. I feel like their has been tension about a lot of things for awhile but they've never been talked about and things just kept building in her but I really have no clue. I'd love to sit and talk in person and she can say whatever is on her mind and maybe we could fix this but I have this really bad feeling that she really doesn't want things fixed. Oh almost forgot, about 2 weeks until my 18th birthday..kinda not sure how to feel about it. I mean my mom has already basically told me that if I do something she doesn't like she is going to kick me out now. Also the fact that...the people that I really want to be with me for my birthday wont be able to..I really just want a good day with people who care and give a shit about me. I don't even want anything object wise for my birthday, just some happiness that money can't buy. I remember this time last year I was really happy cause I had everything I pretty much wanted and thought I needed. Unfortunately I think I took it for granted and got too used to it..and now i'm grieving the loss of it all. I am hurting deeply for another big reason but I'm not really up to writing it all out just yet, if I did it now it would just be this angry, confused rant about stupid shit and it wouldn't make sense to me when I re read it. I want to make some new friends but I'm not really sure how to..I know that was random but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately as well. I'm one of those people who obsess about the way people perceive them. I'm' always worried I'll say something to make them not like me or I'll just come off as a fucking weirdo. Btw...kinda worried about Eric from True Blood..trapped out their in the sun...burning...IF HE DIE IMMA BE PISSSSSSSEEEDDDD.

Dont you wish you were this bad ass?

 

BTWBBQ

I just can't stop staring!

<3

Karma?

I should be sleeping, but I'm not gonna try just yet, god forbid I wake up too early tomarrow with nothing to do and go BAT SHIT. Ha Ha. ANYWAY. I wish getting over someone was as easy as you make it look, like damn I wish I could do that. Oh but wait, I would then be considered a 'whore' wouldn't I? Whereas your rising total looks oh so good to the rest of the male population i'm sure. Ugh everytime I think about it I feel the need for a goddamn scrubbin in the shower. Pantine ProV *SPLAT* I have no idea how any girl could stand to be a part of a list with so many others, it's just discusting to me at least. Why did I even start talking about this? Maybev cause you're stuck to my mind like a goddamn leech to a human being. Only I feel as though you're sucking the litteral life out of me day by day. Unfortunately I don't have many friends around who I can talk to or hangout with, so I get lonely, and bored and you seem to be the only one who I can usually get a hold of. Trust me I know I should just cut you off completely..but then who else would talk to me? Who else would distract me from this never ending lonliness I've seemed to aquire? Nobody, and the sad thing is, talking to you doesn't even fill that void, it's just a distraction and makes me feel like I have at least one person who think I'm worth their time to talk to. I'm completely at his mercy, he takes what he wants from me without any questions. I feel like I've been raped in every way, shape, and form. He took away what I thought love was, he took away my happiness, he took away every single shred of innocence i've ever had. If I had known things were going to end up like they did, I would have ran so far away from it. I fell in too deep before I even realized what was happening, all along I thought I had a pretty good head about it all on my shoulders. I felt like I could handle anything he could throw at me and just brush it off without a care because he wasn't worth my time. That still holds true and always will, but the sad thing is, you can't control the way you feel deep inside, and it really does hurt. It eats away at you bit by bit, taking away evey bit of confidence you've ever had in yourself. I know I've lost all of mine a while ago. I don't feel attractive one tiny bit, I don't feel as though I'm worth any other males attention, nor do I feel that I will ever be 'good enough' for one. It's funny how the same person that used to make you feel like the most special person in the world, now makes you feel like the most loathesome creature not worth a single persons time. Anyway, I just wanted to get that out of my mind for awhile just typing it out and what not.



not only did you 'steal my sunshine' but you've left me with nothing but dark clouds

First is the worst

Okay first blog, nobody will know about it, just me and my random thoughts/feelings. Made for my venting purposes mostly. Its pretty damn early in the morning and i'm not quite sure how to get my sleeping pattern back on track. I'm jobless and not starting college intill the spring so, what else is their to do during the day really? Although, I should really get started on my wash..kinda running out of things to wear. Not that I've been getting out much lately to really need to wear clothes haha! Most of my friends have now gone away to their respective colleges for a fun adventure, some farther than others. Danielles in Cali, Bills in New Orleans, and Jess and Mk are now in philly. It's a pretty bad time that i've been having lately, with my dad just recently out of triple bypass surgery, the anniversary of my grandfathers death coming up, and just plain ole feeling lonely. It definatly stinks to remember the way certain things were just this time last year, I had a lot of people around, I was pretty much occupied I had someone in my life very special to me at the time to help me keep my head up. Which brings me to the point of how people can change right under your nose. Or maybe they've been that way all along and it's just now been looked at without rose tinted glasses. Either way my eyes are opened to you, even though i've known about you and all your shit for a very long time I don't think i've actually accepted it in my own mind. We all want someone to love us or accept us for who we are and what we think or feel, and that is ultimately my downfall with you. I long for things from you that you can't or wont give me, and i've fooled myself into thinking that you ever could or would. I do know this though, you will never ever ever find true happiness, I can almost guarantee it. I've known you, been very very close to you, for a long time, I've witnessed your true insanity first hand and I know the way you think. Every person that has ever been close to you, you've either ended up hating. You can never be happy with anyone or anything for long than a month. So full of bitterness and hatered towards almost anything that doesn't fit your standards. I know I have a lot of problems and I'm not exactly "mentally stable" a lot of times, but I know someone who needs help when I see one. In fact, I've heard you say it about yourself a few times. I feel like this is enough venting right now, but I'm far from finished. Hell I haven't even really started. Although I do hope that if karma really is a bitch, I hope it knocks you right on your ass.