Bitch Imma pick the world up.

AND IMMA DROP IT ON YO FUCKIN HEADDDD.

Haha love that song. Idc if it's Lil Wayne and he's the most overrated rapper ever. Well besides Drake that is...I still think he should have kept his day job with Degrassi, but I digress. Eminem will always be mah favorite <3 and not just cause he's white and performed with Marilyn Manson...Weird. Today went smoothly, as expected. Mom's going to Delaware again...so I don't know how I'm going to be able to get to Philly on Friday...whatevezz I'll figure some shit out...I'll hafta beg my dad to drive me or something..even though he's not supposed to be driving. I SWEAR TO GAWD MY WEEKEND AINT GONNA SUCK CAUSE MY MOM IS GONE FER REALZ. I really need to peeeeeeeee! Uhm so I watched the season premire of the Simpsons or whatever..it was funny but Glee? Really? No just no, it was so retarded lol. Well now that True Blood is over I gotta look forward to watching House and The Simpsons on Monday and Sunday. Did I mention I'm really diggin Marilyn Manson? Well yea I totes am right now, all I knew before this was a few of his more popular songs but holy shit his other untalked about stuff is good too. I've watched interview and whatnot, he's also pretty intelligent and I like that. Behind all that crazy makeup and clothes he's actually a pretty decent human being with pretty good ideas and values. He seems like an interesting character to have good meaningful conversations with. I NEED MORE PEOPLE LIKE THAT. Did I mention my spacebar is fuckin stickin? Yea so sometimes I have to go hit backspace and fix it so there is a damn space. So I have a goal of trying to be positive and stop thinking bad thoughts about myself because that will get me nowhere if I keep thinking that bad things will happen to me. Although it is easier said then done. Maybe I'll go back to therapy just to talk some shit out with someone or at least give me something to do. Although they start pushing medicine down your throat and that gets irritating to all hell. It's kind of why I stopped going in the first place, that and the fact that we came to the conclusion that basically all the problems in my life are shit I have no control over and that they are just going to be there whether I like it or not. I just hate being lonely a lot, I get lonely too easily, I like having company and being occupied or whatever. If I'm not occupied that's when I start dwelling on the past and all those sad things and sometimes it makes it hard to wanna get out of bed. Nighttime is the worst, cause I'm just alone lying in my bed and the wheels in my head just start turning and before I know it I'm crying like a retarded seal..and my mom comes in during the day and is all like "WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY TISSUES ALL OVER THE FLOOR?! CLEAN THIS SHIT UP RIGHT NOW CRYSTAL ANNE!" Whatever. But seriously, it's why I like when people are able to spend the night or if I'm able to spend the night at a friends house I'll always take up the offer. I like the idea of having someone to talk to until I fall asleep, I think everyone would like having that. It's another reason I think spouses share beds. Other then the obvious reason of fornication. Having someone to lie next to and talk to about your day in a peaceful setting before you drift off to sleep. Sounds wonderful to me, and if I ever get married that's what I'm gonna look for in a spouse, someone who can make decent conversation with me and will at least pretend to sound interested in whatever I have to say. Shit I went off on a long ass rant..my bad. Aww well it helps me in the long run I guess..it's what these things are here for. I still need to pee though.



HEHEHEHE<3



Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag...

Godmod grotesk burlesk drag!

Well hello blog! Long time no see! Well my spacebar is kinda...stuckish..so it's hard to really press down so there is space between each word..it makes typing unessecarilly difficult now. So I still need a job, or else I'm really gonna lose my marbles. Hopefully it's not raining tomarrow, I needa walk to seven eleven again. I should probably quit smoking before I develop unrepareable wrinkles...ew. Anyway, it's the weekdays again, which usually means I go batshit from boredom, but I know if I was in college right now I'd be bitching. I like being home alone for the most part, but that's just because being around my parents is driving me loco. If I was surrounded by friends everyday that would be just dandy with me. I totes wish I could get a job in Philly and secretly live with Jess and Mk in their dorm...I'd do it too lol and I'd use the money I make from my job to help pay for food and shit. I'm starting to think only really good things happen to really shitty people lol. Kinda like what I was bitching about earlier. Uhm I'm hoping to get to the bookstore this week cause I'm almost finished the book i'm currently reading, and reading keeps me from going postal on my family so I'm gonna need a new one to read soon. I have a bad feeling my mom is going to Delaware again soon...I know she is going there for Halloween..which brings me to WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO FOR HALLOWEEN?!!? I wish I had somebody to have a scary movie marathon with like I did last year, that was a pretty sweet Halloween evening I must say. WHATEVERRRR I'LL WATCH SCARY MOVIES WITH GHOSTS AND SHYTT. Haha, why am I so lame? CAUSE I AM A LONELY FUTURE CAT LADY?? YESSS!!! Seee??? I deff need a job! I'm already losing my marbles! Well that's all I feel like typing today, this space bar is such a cumdumpster...CAT LADY OUTTT <33

Ya kno what?

I think I'm gonna just start acting like a total bitch towards people. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I'm always nice about 98% of the time to every single person I meet regardless of who they are or what I supposivly heard about them. Now I never try to "start shit" or "cause trouble" with anyone or blow something out of proportion, and I am sick of being made to feel like I am. You see I'm sick of being a total sweetheart and doormat to people and then being shit on in return. I'm not saying everyone I know does it, but some people I have known during my lifetime have and continue to do so. It seems like I try and try to be a good person and I try to be nice and understanding only I do not get good treatment in return. It's bullshit. Obviously being a nice, caring and honest person gets you nowhere in life and being a total bitch/ass/doucher gets you everywhere. It's a sad thought but I'm learning that "well hey that's life sweetheart." Well yea I hope people like you burn in hell because all you are is a festering ball of crap on this earth. You. Make. Me. Sick.

Birthday?

So it's my 18th birthday todaaaay. I'm feeling kinda weird..almost like a mid life crisis shit lol. Like I'm actually called an adult now..but I don't think I act like one haha. I really wish I could see Kelly on my birthday...even if we don't talk anymore...even if she hates me or something now..eh...Voldemort called me...awkward..I actually pretty shocked that he did..I thought maybe at the least just a random happy birthday text but a call? Shit I didn't want to hear his lesbian sounding voice...it just stirred unwanted memories and stupid thoughts...I hate wishing he was around for my birthday..he isn't worth my time and he doesn't even deserve to really be in my presence..ugh stupid jewshbag...ANYWAY. I think I'm going out to  breakfast early in the morning with my dad, nana, and uncle, and then Ciaras birthday party, then HOOKAAH BARRRRRR WIFF TEH BEST FRANZZZZ <3. I hope it's the best day evarrrr lol. I can't think of anything else to say really..I hate this stupid acne I seem to have developed randomly..it makes my face gross lookin and I wash my face like once everyday so like WTFBBQ?! 

CAN I HAS HIM AS GIFT PLEAZZE



awkward

....WHERE'S THE DELETE BUTTON FOR PEOPLE?!?

Word.

I won't care even if you want me to
That's not my nature, that's not the way I do it
Problem solved, I'll just go on avoiding you
Out of sight out of mind seems to work with me
It was always so impersonal almost to the point of disgust
Problem solved I'll just go on avoiding you and I predict that you'll learn to adjust

We don't have to admit that we've made a mistake

I want to see you walking away from me
Even I admit that you might tempt me with one last fuck
A risk I'm not willing to take out of pride

You must feel like you've lost out
I bend over backwards literally to meet your stupid needs
And I can promise that I've learned so much from this situation about what not to do

Forget my name lose my number
You're not even fit to scrub my toilet bowl
Don't ask around, or put me down
I'll make sure it comes back to you threefold
Just be cool, keep your fucking mouth shut
And act like nothing ever happened
Throw out my stuff and all my letters I wouldn't want to plague you with my memory

I hate coming up with things to name these

I'm in a weird mood right now. I'm not sure what to do really..I feel like this week is gonna go by really slow. I hate being bored, and I hate it even more when I'm bored and in a bad mood. I wish I had a car to just drive somewhere and blast my music and just breathe in the fresh air of the outdoors. I wonder if for my birthday my mom will take me shopping and maybe get some new clothes or something..although we don't really have the money..but maybe like a few things. There isn't really anything I can think of that I want object wise. I want a damn good hug though lol and a good day haha. Btw I can't help but to laugh at the patheticness of some people out there...they really don't realize that they are building up false hopes and being retarded. It's not that I've ever doubted you about it but seriously...if it's "the only reason you're staying alive" that's sad...really sad. Thats why so many people ridicule you because you keep making an ass out of yourself because you don't know when to shut the fuck up. Anwayyy True Blood finale was pretty crazy..kinda let down about there being no real sookie&eric sexytime but WHATEVERR there is always season 4 right? At least she hates Bill now..THAT ASSHOLE ACTUALLY TRIED TO OFF ERIC WTF. I'm kinda pissed that I gotta wait till next summer for the new season though..kinda beatsauce. Uhmm what else to say...nothing else really ta ta fer now

yaaayy

Friday was pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself! Jess and Mks dorm is pretty chill, all they need is a nice little television so we can play video games and watch some movies and it'll be the ideal place fo chilaxin. I almost didn't wanna leave today haha. I hope I am able to spend some nights down their this month! Being there with my friends made me happier than I have been in awhile. I kinda wish I was an art student so I could be dorming with them at the college but I can draw for shit haha. Well unfortunately I'm not sure about this weekend per se. My moms gonna be in Delaware for the weekend...my dad can't drive yet since he's still recooperating from the surgery...No rides anywhere...my dads been grumpy as hell recently..us alone together usually does not mix well..I really hope Target will at least try me out for the damn job..I would really like one..to make some money and get out of the house or something. I'm hoping I can find a ride to this shindig on Sunday...other than that I don't really have anything else that I'm doin until next Saturday which is my birthday...I'm still on the fence about it..two people I really wish to be around for it wont...and unfortunately I'll keep thinking about how much it bothers me..but idk what her problem is and the other is just..an asshole..MOVING ON. Uhm hoping to maybe get my hair dyed soon? Sadly I can't afford to keep colouring it so I'm gonna have to dye it all one color..like dark brown or black. I really do miss my purple tho =/. Hopefulllyyy when I get a job and make money..ah fuck some places don't like obnoxious colors in their employees hair...FUCKEN HELL!! *SHAKE FIST* I wish I had a car lol if I did I'd never be home..Idk where I'd be but..IT BE SOMEWHERE! I hate the pay for gas though..simply ridic...I wonder what we are gonna do when it all runs out? Oxygen run cars??? IDK!? Is it even posible? I should research this..

that was dumb

I honestly don't care that you are going to see a movie that I wanted to see..it's the annoying petty shit like this that makes me dislike you...GO HOME

damn

I'm a bit worried about a few things...todays September 9th...yesterday would have been a whole month...and nothing so far...not good...not good..Uhm..shit..still no sign of ever talking to my friend again. I guess she hates my guts. I want more friends, I know I've said this earlier but I feel like I've lost all mine :/ I'm still feeling the same pain every day...I kinda feel like a no good useles blob..I haven't been feeling like myself off and on for the past month..and I'm just not sure what it means or whats going on. I want to talk to you and see you so badly..but it's so bad for me..it's like I'm hurting if we talk and I'm hurting if we aren't..I just wish things could've stayed the way they were..I was so happy with you this time last year for the most part...I just  don't know where it went wrong..ugh why am I thinking about this again? I know I shouldn't. It just makes me weak and fraigile...Sometimes I wanna move to a different state and start over again...where nobody knows me and I can just idk..I'm really down right now..not to mention scared...although I've probably mentioned that already...I just feel like nothings ever going to pick up..and I'm always gonna be searching for a happniess I'll never ever aquire again...I know I sound like a lunatic...and I feel bad sounding like one...but I've beeing fighting this feeling off and on for years and years...I've been through phycologists, and therapists and medicinces galore...and nothing to show for it..idk...I need a life coach like in those MADE shows on MTV...fuck

Well at least I'm on a hot sauce bottle..

How Dare You

How dare you blame me of ignoring you. Is it so hard to get through your stupid ass head that I am in pain? That I am hurting a lot on the inside? This isn't just a game of "OH I'M PISSED CAUSE YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE SO IMMA BE A LITTLE KID AND NOT START A CONVERSATION WITH YOU!" Did you really expect me to be happy about it? Did you think I would be able to just keep talking to you normally like I was totally fine with the way things are going? I'm so mad I could reach through the phone and knock you out. I regret ever even talking to you and that's just fucking sad. You're so oblivious and hung up on your own self to realize other people and their own damn feelings. You are a soul sucking monster seriously. Why don't you take your own words "I'm gonna drive my car off a cliff" AND ACTUALLY DO IT FOR ONCE HUH?! Fuck You and I hope you get cheated on and get AIDS. You are a sorry excuse for a human being

SAVING THIS FOR LATER CAUSE IT'S HILAROUS

ROFL

=O

Wooo busy weekend, I feel lucky haha it's the most activity I feel like i've gotten in a long time. So Friday at the hookah bar was fantastic! I enjoyed prowling the streets at 1AM and then eating some pancakes at 2 at the pub. Saturday was the Rev Gen concert pretty damn good! DWP was fucking crazzyy, circle pits out the ass and whatnot. Skillet had pretty badass pyrotechnics. I've been downloading a shitload of new music that I feel was way over due..Muse, Fireflight, Skillet, Avenged Sevenfold, and Framing Hanley. Today I pretty much chilled until we went out to dinnah at the Golden Dawn with the family woo hoo. I always eat too much when I go out it's ridiculous, I hate wasting food that gets paid for at restaraunts. The only thing that sucks though, is that I'll be eating..and sometimes I start thinking about someone and I instantly get sick and don't feel much like finishing my food...I hate that so damn much it's irritating. Uhmm nothing much really to do this week, True Blood wasn't on tonight cause of the damn labor day weekend so I gotta wait another whole damn week till I find out wtf is gonna happen with Eric :*(. I'm listening to the new A7X album..and sadly so far I am not impressed...WHERE IS THE SCREAMING?!? Idk it's all melodic piano bullshit..and moody..like ugh. LOL uhm I really need to hand in the rest of these applications at the mall so maybe just MAYBE I can get a job..HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA. I'm crossing mah fingers hoping that my birthday will be the best I've evaaa had so farrr and without a dipshit maximus around. WHATEVAAA! HITTIN DA HOOKAH BAR AGAIN??! YES PLEASEEEEEE! I can't wait till we can go during the day and go in all the crazy ass shops. I'm glad I have some shit to look forward to, it helps me forget about upsetting shit. Not that I don't unfortunately think about it every damn day but if I have positive things to keep me occupied I should be alright.

So..

Since I don't really have a said person to talk about my day with I've decided that I will tell my blog about what I did today lol. So basically my robot friend spent the night at my house and played some SOUL CALIBURRRRR and then watched musicvideos followed by True Blood lol. I woke up and well hopped mah lazy butt in the shower cause I felt like my hair was getting a little greasy..anywho, rents were gone all day at the heart doctor for my dad so I had a house to myself. Came home then we went out to dinnahz wiff mah Nana and Uncle Edward. I hate that Blue Diner though..food sucks ballz, the fries are exactly like Neshaminy High Schools fries...blech. We went back to my nanas for a bit, I got to see the obease dalmatian known as Candy. Still as whiny as ever I see...uhmmm after that I basically just chilled around the house nothing special. I'm still in a lot of pain but it's nothing I haven't already felt before, even if it hurts just as much. You'd think I'd be used to it by now..but nope. Tomarrow goin to some thingy I'm not even sure what it is but I'm goin with some of my good friends <3 I'm gonna do my best and LETS PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE! Sorry bad joker pun...

It's Your Fucking Nightmare

Okay so a lot has been going through my brain the past couple of days. Most not so good things, although I am always trying to remain hopeful and postive (haha). Anyway, since all these things have been driving me crazy and rotting my brain the urge to do stupid shit has crossed my mind a few times unfortunately. So far I've been able to ignore the urge which is pretty damn good for myself I must say. I miss a lot of people as usual uhmm not sure what else to say really about that..I'm just not quite sure what to say to her to get us back to where we were in the old days. I wonder if she still thinks about me even if she hates me now or whatever idk. I miss her a lot obviously, I'm still not used to the fact that I don't see her everyday like I used to. I texted asking if we could talk when she was available and not busy but...I never got one back..like I said, I'm really not sure what else to say, I'd like to appoligize to her face but I'm still not exactly sure about what she is mad about. I feel like their has been tension about a lot of things for awhile but they've never been talked about and things just kept building in her but I really have no clue. I'd love to sit and talk in person and she can say whatever is on her mind and maybe we could fix this but I have this really bad feeling that she really doesn't want things fixed. Oh almost forgot, about 2 weeks until my 18th birthday..kinda not sure how to feel about it. I mean my mom has already basically told me that if I do something she doesn't like she is going to kick me out now. Also the fact that...the people that I really want to be with me for my birthday wont be able to..I really just want a good day with people who care and give a shit about me. I don't even want anything object wise for my birthday, just some happiness that money can't buy. I remember this time last year I was really happy cause I had everything I pretty much wanted and thought I needed. Unfortunately I think I took it for granted and got too used to it..and now i'm grieving the loss of it all. I am hurting deeply for another big reason but I'm not really up to writing it all out just yet, if I did it now it would just be this angry, confused rant about stupid shit and it wouldn't make sense to me when I re read it. I want to make some new friends but I'm not really sure how to..I know that was random but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately as well. I'm one of those people who obsess about the way people perceive them. I'm' always worried I'll say something to make them not like me or I'll just come off as a fucking weirdo. Btw...kinda worried about Eric from True Blood..trapped out their in the sun...burning...IF HE DIE IMMA BE PISSSSSSSEEEDDDD.

Dont you wish you were this bad ass?